When I feel I am a failure

Sometimes after a difficult week, I get down on myself and begin to see myself as less than I was the week prior. I think of all the wrong things I said, and the right things I didn't say. They way I brushed off a resident that could have used a cheering up. How I just talked about myself and my problems to a friend when I should have acknowledged his struggles more and tried encouraging him. I feel as if I am a bad RA for not always remembering to report the lack of paper towels or soap in the dispensers. I feel as if I am constantly being selfish for sometimes picking out my needs before a residents or focusing on my homework for a night as opposed to going to a resident's room and asking about her day. Basically, I just feel like a failure in my job and as a friend overall.
But you know what? God knew when he placed me in these situations that I was not going to do everything perfectly. Not even close. He knew exactly what it would be that I am struggling with and that sometimes I would choose avoiding the problem instead of facing it. He knew that I would fail.
But he chose to put me in the position anyway.
And that is encouraging. God wants me on my hall, knowing exactly how important I will be, even if I feel like I am a more negative influence than a positive one. If I never failed or sinned, I would not be in this position; I would be Jesus, dying on the cross. So thank You, Lord, for letting your son do that job, and giving me my job as challenging as it can be, so that I can fail but be comforted knowing that Jesus has already picked up my slack and saved me and taken my failures and made them perfect in Him. God will take the situations and sins I mentioned earlier and use them for my good and my residents'/friends' good. How amazing is that?
I now need to take this newfound encouragement and re-invigorate my passion for my residents and my job for next semester, and pray that God will use me all the more next semester. And to maybe humble myself and take less time to think of myself.

God's Surprises

     Whilst writing a letter to my friend Lauren (it's her birthday today, just sayin'), I mentioned my excitement in her becoming the intern for our home church this summer. And then a flood of memories came back to me from last summer when I was an intern. God so beautifully placed that in my life; I can't even describe how perfect it just all was. Let me retell it just for fun...
     I had planned (even expected, silly me) to be an RA my upcoming sophomore, and so I applied the beginning of my second semester freshman year. It was a long process and I grew a bunch out of it (Thanks Jo). But it was ultimately God's will for me to not receive the RA job, and three days later I saw an opportunity in my church bulletin to be a youth group leader. I jumped at that opportunity, knowing it was what God wanted me to do instead of being an RA for the next year. I also decided that it would be good for me to get to know the students by going on a mission trip with them (to a city near where I live) over the summer. I also wanted to volunteer at a hospital over the summer. Those were my summer plans. They were not God's summer plans for me.
     I took my finals (rough times, as always) and I went home for the summer. My sister, Bekah, had the plans of being the intern for our church over the summer, and I was so excited for her. The internship seemed like a great opportunity, but I personally had plans on applying the following summer so that I could be a bit older and I could go on the international mission trip. But God knew me so much better than I knew myself.  One day I got a call from my youth group leader Tim asking if I would be interested in applying for the internship. In most cases, this would be too late for applying, but there was an opening. I asked my sister and my family, not quite sure if I would be impeding on Bekah's special summer. This was her thing, and I didn't want to ruin it by having her sister work with her. She gave me the okay, I applied, prayed about it, and everything set in place for me to become the intern for the summer. It was something I never would have expected for my summer, but I could not have planned it any better. The summer went by so fast and with so many fun memories. Bekah and I worked well together and it gave a great setting for our bible studies since we hosted them at our house together (pool party included). I can't speak for her, but I think we grew  closer and I miss her more this year at college than I did last year. I respect her advice and her relationship with the Lord and I admire her a lot. If I hadn't gone through the internship much of that would not have happened.
     I made so many relationships with the students; I learned how to give of myself when I felt as if I couldn't. I stepped into occasionally awkward and uncomfortable situations to reach out to the girls, and I learned to live without expectations (at least I tried to). All of these things helped me in preparation to be a youth group leader this year while at school, in which I'm still growing and learning. And then these things have prepared me (and still are prepping me) for my position as an RA next year. Ugh, isn't God so cool?!
     Looking at my summer this year, I would not have been able to do the internship because of the need to study every day for my MCAT exam (google that if you need to). It's cool to know that God knows my future and plans everything accordingly so that only the best happens for me. And He does that for everyone, in the coolest ways imaginable. I hope this encourages all you who read it, because I know it encourages me, knowing that when my plans fall through God's plans will succeed and be worth the fall of my desires. Thanks for reading, Happy Friday.

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us"
and just because this is a great verse
Philippians 3:10-11 "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."

Oh the Places You'll Go

I got a hair cut yesterday. It was a lovely experience, I tipped the stylist way too much, and I'm not even sure I got what I wanted done (hair people speak a different language). Because of this I took a good look at myself in the mirror. And then I began asking questions, ones which I don't necessarily have the answers to just yet.
Who Am I?
Is this who I want to be?
Am I who my child self would have wanted to become?
Do I recognize myself?
Obviously, these questions at surface level (that's a pun) are pretty simple. Yes, I know who I am, yes, I recognize myself. But in reference to my soul these questions get much more complicated. I feel like I am constantly changing; from one month to the next I am different. And as I write this I notice that none of those questions take God's opinion of me into account. We even talked about that at my RA training this morning!
Sure, I'm an okay person. I do the right things most of the time, smile when I can, try to love people, blah, blah, blah. None of that stuff is bad by any means, but who am I doing that for? If I am honest, I am doing them to please my friends, to make more friends, to impress that guy I think is handsome, to appear perfect to those who don't know me, to feel better overall about myself. But I will tell you (if you don't already know) the purpose of all these things isn't for any of the people listed (not even the guy, gasp), it's for God. If my heart isn't acting in service and worship to God, then it's worthless.
Doesn't that kind of defeat the point of anything I do then? Why should I even ask questions about who I am? I think I should be asking the question rather, "Who should I be?" or "Who does God want me to become?" The obvious answer is, of course, Jesus. But there's more to it. I should be so much like Jesus and have him so involved in my life that there's nothing left of me. When I look in the mirror, I should see a reflection (albeit an imperfect and unclear one) of the man to whom I owe my life and all my love.
The step now is to admit that right now, I am not living that out. I'm a Christian and I have a desire to know God, but I need to start pursuing Jesus more than anything else in my life. I need to die to my hopes and dreams and ambitions, I need to die to my pride and my self-loathing and my judgmental attitude and my anger and my worry. No matter what happens to me and where I go, as long as I am do EVERYTHING in service to God, I will be content. Even if that means not getting the best GPA or having to deal with hard things or working through difficult relationships and an unsure future.
So what am I saying? I'm not really sure, only that God is good, I need to emulate him more every day, to let go of the sins and worries I hold so closely, and to my unknown future to my known God (stole that last quote, no biggie).

Fifty Thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey (revised from July 2012)

July 2012:

Okay, so I won’t actually have fifty thoughts on this book. But I do have strong opinions about it. 

Here’s my first: “Why the heck is this book a bestseller in the UK and US???????

I then respond to myself: “Well, it IS Twilight Saga fan fiction, so that draws a crowd to begin with. And it’s erotica, so that draws more readers. Then people become interested in the popularity of the book and buy it to see what the commotion is about this novel, and most come to regret their decision, but the deed is done. They paid for it and contributed to the number of books sold, even if they never finished the first book in the series.”

I ask myself another question: “What does this say about our world?”

I am stopped short by that. Does this really say anything new about ourselves as human beings? We have always been attracted to sexual things, that’s part of our nature, sinful or not. But has it always been so praised and out in the open? I dare say not. 

The fact that people enjoy reading Fifty Shades of Grey is not surprising to me. What IS surprising is the acceptance of such sinful literature (If you don’t understand why it is sinful I can go into that later). Our culture has slowly become calloused to sinful deeds to the point where people are praised and maybe even rewarded for doing so.

My dear Christians, please don’t cave in to the pressures and sinful pleasures the world so desperately tells us are satisfying. Our rebellion of sin causes such pain to our Savior and lover, Jesus. He’s crying out to us to change our ways. Will you reply and serve?

disclaimer: I have not read this book. Sue me if you think that means I cannot voice an opinion about it (although I am pretty sure you will lose the lawsuit). 

January 2013:

After hearing a lovely talk about this horrific book, I have more thoughts that I would like to share with anyone willing to listen (or read, in this case). I apologize in advance if they seem disjointed; they probably are.

-Some people have come to the conclusion after reading this book that the sexual events in it are a normal part of relationships; abuse is expected. First of all, let me tell everyone that ABUSE IS NOT NORMAL! Please don't ever let yourself accept abuse in any form. Unfortunately, this book makes abuse look glamorous. I can imagine that had I read the book that I might think my hypothetical abusive relationship would make me like the character in the book and then I could have a fairytale ending. 

We belong to God's story. Because of this we want to have our own interesting story that makes us feel special. and I think the desire of most people is to be considered special in some shape or form. So anything that reminds us of a story seems glamorous and desirable. That's why some young people like drama; they want to be part of an interesting story. 

When I was a young'un in high school (because that was all so long ago) I read the Twilight Series. That is an understatement. I inhaled them, breathed them, reread them over and over again. There was something so addictive to the storyline: A seemingly unimportant girl being so special and helping to fix a tortured soul such as Edward Cullen (the vampire love interest). Because I read it in a story I have been drawn to "tortured souls" and I have wanted to be the girl to "fix" them. HA. In the same way that bad boys have become what girls want because of movies and books, so abuse in Fifty Shades of Grey has become something people want because it seems to work out in this series. 

So this sounds like a bad thing. Well, it is. We don't want anyone thinking that an abusive relationship is okay and that it will work out eventually like it did in this book. Most likely it will not. As I heard in the talk from this morning, God is the One who changes people, not us. We may be used as tools by God to help that person, but it's nothing we do ourselves. So we should NOT try to date someone to change them and make them better, even though we want to be needed. We need to let our young people know this and understand what a good and healthy relationship looks like. We need to make them aware of the world and show them the world's way and God's way to prove that God's way truly is the best for us. We need to talk to our daughters, our sisters, our friends about abuse and what to do about it, always being there for them.
And to use this book for God's good, talk to other women about female pornography. Over the past year I have become aware of this sin and how many women struggle with it secretly. This book could potentially create a dialogue between Christian women struggling with this and help them triumph over Satan. We talk about men and porn all the time but everything is hush hush when it comes to women and pornography. Let's change this habit!

Alright, I think that's all I have to say about that for now. Maybe I will update this every six months and make it even longer (just kidding). I want to put what I say into practice and say that any of you who are struggling with an abusive relationship or pornography,a sexual sin, or simply just have questions about sex, I am here to listen and to help. If I cannot assist you because I am a young, single, inexperienced woman I can redirect you to someone who can. :)
Pray to God. He will hear all prayers. He forgives ALL sins. Praise the Lord! Amen
-Rachel